Grateful Doesn’t Always Mean Happy

Grateful people are happier people.  Have you heard that?  I have. I’ve even said it myself in many of my wellness workshops.  But I often work with legal services lawyers and professionals who help people who are experiencing extreme trauma.  And many of the lawyers and advocates themselves are experiencing trauma as a result of their work.  Encouraging them to start a gratitude list without any other context just didn’t feel right.  I didn’t want to come off as suggesting that simply adopting an “attitude of gratitude” would solve all their problems.

That led me to the question, “Can you be grateful and unhappy at the same time?”

Maybe you’ve pondered that same question. With all the violence and division in the world right now it’s not always easy to feel thankful.  Gratitude has been characterized as a mood, an emotion, a virtue, an attitude, and a skill.  Popular thought promises us more health and happiness in our lives if only we practice gratitude regularly.  For example, having a gratitude practice of listing one or more things you are grateful every day has been associated with benefits such as decreased stress, better sleep, lower blood pressure, higher self-esteem, and better relationships.  Who wouldn’t want to practice gratitude?!

The problem is some people have a hard time seeing their way past their unhappiness, life challenges, or anxiety to get to gratitude.  And yet we are constantly encouraged to find and name gratitude in our lives.  “You have a lot in your life to be grateful for!” or “At least you still have [name the gratitude], it could be so much worse” or “Focusing on gratitude daily makes us happier” (one that I often used).  While these statements may be true and are usually well-intended, they are sometimes profoundly unhelpful.  For some people, the message received is that their feelings are not valid.  That it’s not acceptable to feel sad, anxious, or just okay.

Not only is it okay to feel those emotions, it’s a part of being human.  And to process those emotions, sometimes we need to sit with them.  We need to validate them.  We may need to cry, scream, sleep, and feel sorry for ourselves. We may need to feel ungrateful for a while.  Then, even in the existence of our pain, there may be an opening for gratitude.  A space where our sadness and gratitude co-exist.  In time, our gratitude may become bigger than our suffering.  Or maybe not.  It’s an individual journey.

I still think that a gratitude practice can be beautiful and profound.  But, as I lift it up as a well-being tool, I will also say:

• Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. If gratitude is not one of those emotions, that’s okay.
• Try not to compare your experience with someone else’s. Yes, other people may have it worse (or better), but that doesn’t invalidate your own experience.
• Gratitude can co-exist with other emotions.
• You don’t have to have a gratitude practice to experience gratitude.
• If you’re struggling to find gratitude in your life, start small and make it authentic for you. Being grateful for a short line in the grocery store is just as valid for being grateful for good health.

Whatever place you may find yourself this Thanksgiving holiday, I wish you peace.

Janet Thompson Jackson